TripJ- #1 Lecture About Masturbating

Let me tell you a story. 

My name is Trip J. 

They call me 
Tripz or they call me
Jamy Jo Junior 

     So my mom caught me whacking it. 
I had to leave school the next day to my surprise. 
     My grandmas! 
     So there I am eating a bag of fucking cheerios, you know the ones with the zip lock little bags you stash your weed in, yeah those bags. 
     My moms (yeah I call her moms) is in the other room playing Atari and shit. Blitz out of her mind playing Ping Pong trying to get the high score and shit. 
     I'm in the fucking kitchen and its dark as hell with one shining light on my head and my Grandma just comes out of the shadows dressed up like a nun and shit. 
      Jamy she said, We forbid that type of behavior you displayed in front of your mother the other day. 
I am just thinking to myself is these the last fucking Cheerios I  am going taste in my life. My grand mother speaks again. Thow shall not whack the devil stick to spray the devil juice.
      At this point I am like feeling my heart beat in my stomach like a punching bag. I was like sorry Grandma won't happen again. She looked at me and said, "YOUR HAND WILL FALL OFF IF YOU DO IT AGAIN". All serious and shit I mean strict voice serious eyes glaring at me like the fucking Sun just came down and was staring at you. You can feel the fucking breath from her nostrils from every word she said and shit. 
     I was scared to death so I shit and pissed my pants. I was like nope! Not going masturbate every again after this experience. 
    I just been through hell and back and we go to the room where my Moms is at and shes like did that little shit learn his lesson! You would of thought I throw a stone at Jesus or something. 
     Now I am back in the car with her and I am just fucking shook to death. Silent the whole way home as my Moms whips out a bottle of Jack Daniels and says to me, "see J this is why I drink! Because of your damn little sins and white lies!" 
     I get home and my dads got a fucking trophy out and shit and is like "SON! You make me proud and shit boy!" He fucking hands me a beer and I was just like uttering the words but- but - but grandma. He was like fuck that! Fucking drink that beer you son of a bitch! You fucking make me proud. Moms is looking at him like what the fuck chuck! My dads name was named Chuck. He loved beer, weed and America. My mom loved weed, whine and Jesus. So this is my life and I am sticking to it. 
    Well that was interesting until my mother said to me that night, "Boy I am not giving you a kiss goodnight, you are the devil boy! Sweet dreams fucker" 
    I'm just like what the hell happened to my life.